This is my testimony
May God please help me deliver this message as He had given me. For as long as I could remember, I’ve always had a strong imagination. This was in regards to almost anything, whether be the things I watch, the activities I engage with, and even sex. My first pornographic video experience was when I was visiting a relative. To what his intentions were, I also don’t know. He was showing me these videos as well as pictures. Do you know how y’all always say the internet never forgets? Well, maybe y’all haven’t considered the memory part of the human brain. Because I carried those video memories with me every day of my life since. And with each sexual picture or video I came across either be in a magazine adult section, movies, and music videos my urge to see more similar videos grew stronger.
As such I would cut out sexual pictures from the magazines and keep them with me. So that whenever the urge would kick in, I would feed it. Little did I know I was feeding a snake that would one day grow up to be a dragon. Now things took a turn for the worse when I got my own phone. I had access to any site and videos I desired as long as I had data of course. But then things started to change when I started attending the school SCO (School Christian Organisation). Bless that School church shame. Something would remind me of how wrong what I was doing was. It was as if something in me that I didn’t even know existed in me was awake. Before we can go into how I was saved, I want us to talk a bit about the consequences of pornography.
Consequences of Pornography
Before we can get right into this section, I want to say this! Sex is good. God created it for a reason. It’s a created physical passion for intimacy between a man and a woman. As much as we all don’t want to admit it, we all yearn for intimacy. To see ourselves in the opposite sex, and that’s okay. But with that said, you must take note that sex should never control you, but you should control it. After all, isn’t self-control one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit? But though good, the church, our parents, society, and pornography have made t seem like it is a dirty horrible thing. As such pornography has stained the way sex should be perceived. And with that said it dishonours marriage, a union God created for sex to be performed.
Well, you might ask how, well as you were scrolling on those sites, have you ever come across a title for example “couple doing whatever”? I have never. It also created the ideology that it’s okay to look at the next person lustfully without condemnation. Looking at the person of different sex, and desiring to be sexually active with them is not right. You are basically looking at one of God’s great creation and coming to a conclusion that they can be your sexual pawn. It is not right; it should not be promoted actions at all. For my brothers and sisters in relationships, pornography affects their sex life. As such, they find themselves having to envision being intimate with another before enjoy this godly passion.
It’s okay, condemning and shaming yourself will not do you good. The fact that you are reading this, proves that you know that you need help. That is the Holy Spirit talking and being very active within you. Now let’s talk about how I stopped.
My breakthrough from Pornography Part 1
Well before anything, I have to point out that it took me six years to finally be completely free. That is five years of which, I was trying to break free on my own then the last year (2020) where I recruited God and made Him manager of my life. I had to take a step back and ask God to intervene. Yes, this house was under new management when I started my breakthrough journey. And I am grateful to God for always availing Himself in all the times of my needs. During the 5 years mark, I would stop for a good 3-6 months, then relapse yet again. Why? Because I was trying to do it all by myself. But you need to understand that you cannot spiritual thing hurting the flesh with flesh weapons. You have to at some point change your element and surprise your enemy.
And let me tell you something about addiction, if you stop for a while, then relapse, you get hooked 5 times greater than before. This is in regards to any addiction, so don’t get it twisted. So during the end of 2019, I started being very intentional about my prayer against this addiction. Intentional prayer is very important. I would suggest this video, to learn more about intentionality in prayer. After I had started intentionality in prayer that’s when things started to move, break by break, breaking a whole childhood addiction. It was not easy, because I would relapse from time to time to time. But then in my relapse, I knew something had changed because I was no longer watching for enjoyment, but it was as if I was on a mission.
So I would be watching anything video, then the next thing God would direct my attention to the views of that particular video. And I was always shocked by the millions of people who were feeding their minds with this filth. I was always shocked. The next thing God started talking to me about was the titles. You know the ones about pastors, nuns, church building, and even Christmas. He made me think deeply about the titles of how they were mocking God and His church. As I was doing what I was doing, I landed on a particular website with the domain being xxnx. One thing about me is that I am very curious, and God has always used this aspect about me to speak to me about many things.
So x is the 24th letter in the British letters, right? And if you did some math you would come to a conclusion that x = 2+4= 6, then therefore xxnx = 66n6 = 666. 66 stands for the number of books the Bible has thus the word of God thus God Himself, while the remaining 6 stands for the day man was made and hence represents man himself, whereas the “n” stands for satan. As you can probably see, the “n” is in between the 66 and the 6, which means satan (pornography) creates a division between God and His people. Well from just that darling, I believe you now know how wrong this is. And who the source of such sites is, do not let the devil use you to destroy you.
My breakthrough pornography Part 2
As I was scrolling through the site again, I came across a video of a woman sleeping with a dog, iyoo! That was the nail for me. From there onwards I knew I was never gonna put myself through that again. But then it was not until a brief conversation with Mikateko, one of my good friends that I knew I was done. I remember it like it was yesterday because I went back to my room, lit my light and I said Jesus I am done. I will never do that to myself, I am done being used as a puppet to destroy myself. It was over between me and this sin. And I am still done. It’s being a year today (08 April 2020) as I type this since I stopped.
And all the glory belongs to God. I know I wouldn’t have done it without Him, and I am still doing it with Him on this very day. He is a good God, Jehovah is His name. With anything, either it being an addiction, fear, jealousy, lust, or any sinful act, you have to come to a point of exhaustion. You have to be tired. Pastor Sarah calls it a “Breaking Point”. I was at my breakpoint; I was tired and ready to end it. And we did it, me and God of course. A week after my breakthrough, a shutdown happened, then I had to come back home because of the China virus. Then lockdown succeeded shutdown, and then that’s when things became very interesting.
I sometimes compare sin to the township. In his book, Trevor Noah says the township despises change. That is, it wants you to remain in the same dingy place, same job, and it’s a cycle along with your children. If you start taking steps to improve yourself to get to higher even the slightest height, it’s you spiting at it. That is similar to breaking a bond with sin in this case pornography. As the Heavens rejoice when a sinner repents, Hell mourns but Hell doesn’t play nice. It will fight to get you back in that low depressing place so that it feels better about itself. Satan doesn’t want to burn alone darli. He took 1/3 with him from Heaven; he wants to take more from this life. Breaking free from sin is you picking a winning fight with hell. A winning fight I said.
Believe me when I say, darling I have fought, I fought for my life. I would have sleep paralysis, day after day, whether I am sleeping in the evening or day it wouldn’t matter. I would have nightmares, sexual dreams of men trying to rape me, even my own relatives. It was hell; I would even start having thoughts that maybe God had deserted me. I wouldn’t wish that pain even on my worst enemies. At times I felt like I not alone in a room. Or that something was waiting for me to sleep to torment me. It would ignite fear and sleeplessness in me. I would stay up until 3 am and sad I couldn’t tell anyone.
It is through this very experience that I grew. A flower that bloomed in a storm. And hence even today, Matthew Chapter 11 verse 29 is still one of my favourite scriptures. Because I now know God will never let me carry a burden too big to handle. Breaking free is one thing, but maintaining that freedom is harder. Though pornography was a big bag to handle it was also the same thing God used to help me find myself. Nothing too hard for God bafwethu. So now, let’s talk about how I maintained my freedom.
How I maintained my freedom
With pornography, you need to understand that satan is actually targeting your mind. But why? Because the mind is the worship ground for God. How do you peacefully pray or worship when the devil is always there to remind you of the sin you committed. He creates a division between you and God (Isaiah Chapter 59 verse 2). And hey, the devil is good at reminding you of the sin you committed. Because he is working hard to make you think and believe that God no longer wants to hear your payer and how much you disgust Him. Which is a false reality. He is a liar, a cheat, he will lie to you to get you to follow him and keep you in sin. I still suggest watching the “Help, my mind is a mess”.
Because here is what I know of God, regardless of what I do, God loves me, God wants to hear from me, God loves spending time with me, God wants what’s best for me, God is for and always with me. After my breakthrough, I got rid of all the vigour songs I had in my playlist. I love music and the last thing I want is to be served a steak of meat while I am abstaining from meat in my songs. That is avoid songs with explicit terms in your journey of pornography freedom. I read the word of God. The right word of God. I felt like something was waiting for me to sleep and torment me and hence I made sure I read a lot of scriptures about protection.
In regards to the sleep paralysis, I covered my bed and the house that I sleep in with the blood of Jesus Christ and spoke against it at least three times before sealing in the mighty name of Jesus Christ. I watched a lot of sermons on YouTube. O tsebe I had that 30GB from Univen, so I was sorted in that department. I watched a lot of Montell Fish videos, Pastor Stephanie Ike, Godly dating, Pastor Steven Furtick, Reitro C – Magnify love, Bible projects, Karolyne Roberts and many others including I Am Redeemed Ministry. I listened to a lot of Gospel songs, and which I still do.
Read: Embracing change
You might be thinking why am I doing this? Right! Well, Mpumi Ledwaba once said my obedience is someone’s salvation. That is, telling my story, might be salvation to someone. And I agree with this thought because I have heard other people stories about their pornography addiction, and it has kept me grounded and free. As I was drafting and typing this post God was talking to me about a particular person who needs this message. This might be my purpose, to share my story to save one person. Not all purposes are grand. Yours might be to help out someone with airtime for a job interview, or as big as being the president. But it is still a God-given purpose.
That’s how loyal He is. If it hadn’t been for Ref’s attendance at the school church, I wouldn’t have attended. Her obedience was my salvation from pornography and hence now my obedience is someone’s salvation. Just because pornography is legalised and normalised, it doesn’t make it right. And hence that is why we have to have Spiritual leaders in our respective leader. Leaders who consult God before their compatriots. How do you legalise something that the word of God speaks against? Never stop praying for our leaders. Pray and pray, prayer is thee thing to do. All is never lost, we have a consistent God waiting to fight and win for us. He loves us always. I have seen Him do things only He can do. With that said Jesus Chris is our Saviour and our Lord. Shalom!